When my husband and I argue, his go-to move to push my buttons is telling me to “calm down.” According to therapists, using these words is like adding fuel to the fire. My bad habit, on the other hand, is resorting to phrases like “you always” — a definite mistake.
While it’s simple to list what not to say, identifying phrases that can truly enhance relationships during disagreements is more challenging.
I consulted several couples therapists for advice on improving partner communication. Keep in mind: No single phrase is a cure-all, and timing and tone matter.
‘YOU START.’
James Cordova, a psychology professor at Clark University and author of “The Mindful Path to Intimacy,” notes that conflict often arises when partners try to be understood simultaneously.
“We’re like two fire hoses facing each other,” Dr. Cordova explains. “We’re fighting harder to be heard.”
By saying “You start,” you can “flip the script,” showing genuine interest in understanding your partner’s perspective.
‘CAN WE SLOW DOWN?’
Allen Sabey, a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University, points out that heated arguments escalate quickly. People become reactive, leading to “blame, defensiveness, criticism, avoidance,” warns Dr. Sabey.
Asking “Can ‘we’ slow things down?” recognizes that both partners play a role in responding with curiosity and care. Unlike telling your partner to calm down, it’s not “emotionally dismissive,” says Dr. Sabey.
‘I SEE THE IMPACT I HAD ON YOU.’
Tracy Dalgleish, a psychologist and author of “I Didn’t Sign Up for This,” explains that many couples argue about intentions. “They’ll say, ‘But I meant well! Why can’t you see that?’”
Part of resolving conflict involves acknowledging your impact on your partner, intentional or not.
‘WOULD THAT BE OK?’
Sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder often begins delicate conversations with, “I need to ask you about X. Would that be okay?”
Couples often adopt this approach, leading to positive results, says Dr. Snyder, author of “Love Worth Making.”
Instead of diving into a conversation about your partner’s family, say, “I’d like to talk to you about your mother. Would that be okay?” These words convey kindness and consideration.
‘WHAT DO YOU FEEL THAT I’M NOT GETTING ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE?’
Adam Fisher, a psychologist and sex therapist, notes that in most relationships, there are moments when partners don’t feel fully understood.
During conflicts, phrases like “The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care. But how do you feel?” help. Partners aren’t mind readers, says Dr. Fisher, so expressing a desire to understand more is validating.
‘LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN.’
Laurie Santos, a Yale psychology professor and host of “The Happiness Lab” podcast, highlights research by John and Julie Gottman that shows happy couples excel at “repair attempts” — statements or actions that prevent negativity from escalating.
“My favorite is, ‘Let me try that again,’” says Dr. Santos. “I use it when I misspeak or come off harsher than intended.”
‘WHAT DOES THE RELATIONSHIP NEED FROM US RIGHT NOW?’
In a power struggle, step back and consider not just your needs but the relationship’s needs, advises Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist and host of the “Reimagining Love” podcast.
Asking, “What does our relationship need right now?” shifts the perspective.
You may realize, “This marriage needs me to slow down and check in before making decisions,” or “We need to protect our evening time better.”
‘THANK YOU.’
Gratitude forms the foundation of healthy relationships, says Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and author of “Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.”
Cole assigns thank-yous as homework for couples and uses them at home.
“My husband and I thank each other for everything,” Cole shares. “Thanks for making the bed, unloading the dishwasher, doing the laundry.”
Though it might feel forced at first, it conveys a powerful message: “You are appreciated.”
The article originally appeared in The New York Times.
