Farhana Hussain may not be able to rescue her clients, but as a divorce doula, she offers something more valuable—guiding them to save themselves.
Based in London, Farhana launched My Divorce Doula two years ago, providing clients with practical tools to handle divorce or separation. She operates exclusively online, catering to individuals worldwide, including many from the UAE, through personal and group sessions. “Most of my Middle Eastern clients have historically been from Dubai,” she shares via Google Meet, emphasizing that her cultural and religious roots enable her to connect with women navigating challenges like guilt, forgiveness, identity, and family expectations.
As the term suggests, divorce doulas are akin to birth doulas who provide emotional and physical support during pregnancy and childbirth. While birth doulas celebrate the start of a new chapter, divorce doulas help individuals cope with its closure.
Dr. Tara Wyne, a clinical psychologist at The Lighthouse Arabia Centre for Wellbeing, where she leads a monthly ‘life after divorce’ support group, sees divorce doulas as “companions who assist individuals contemplating or undergoing a divorce, offering emotional and practical support.”
She believes divorce doulas can offer compassionate validation and help individuals navigate the emotional turmoil of divorce. “They can bear the weight and assist in building courage, taking necessary steps, and exploring the unknowns. They might also serve as integrity partners, engaging in bold conversations that offer constructive feedback.”
How Divorce Doulas Operate
Anne Jackson, a Dubai-based master therapeutic coach and founder of One Life Coaching ME, was dubbed a ‘divorce doula’ by her clients. Fifteen years ago, she started the support group Leaves Dubai while undergoing her own divorce. Lawyers soon began joining her meetings to provide free legal insights to women facing tough divorces. These interactions helped Jackson grasp local laws, enabling her to guide clients through complex processes. “For example, when parties need to reach an amicable agreement, we mediate like family mediators do in the UK,” she explains, clarifying that she doesn’t offer legal advice and encourages consulting a lawyer.
Trained in psychotherapy modalities, Jackson addresses the “practical, emotional, career, and forward-moving aspects” with clients, including past traumas and strategies to overcome them. She collaborates with moving companies experienced in emotionally charged situations like dividing a home during divorce. “They avoid phrases like, ‘Can I speak to your husband,'” she notes.
Hussain also offers practical support, preparing clients for lawyer meetings, court appearances, and communication strategies. “People often rush into practical matters while emotionally unsettled, leading to messy, confusing, and costly outcomes,” she warns. “Grounding oneself and knowing what you want before negotiations is crucial.”
Divorce doulas aren’t typically trained therapists, so while they help clients manage emotions in difficult situations like court appearances, they don’t delve into past issues. They resemble divorce coaches, but as Hussain explains, coaches focus on the mind by setting goals. Divorce doulas engage both mind and body, teaching tools to regain confidence and remain calm in high-conflict scenarios, like dealing with lawyers or co-parenting negotiations. “Divorce is often a confusing, stressful, and traumatic experience that numbs the body,” she says. “I work with breath to regulate the nervous system, and we use sound and movement to release tension and stress.”
Saria Moran, who specializes in divorce and domestic abuse recovery, notes that “divorce coaching is often more structured.” She blends divorce coach and doula services. “My approach varies by client,” she says. “Some seek structure and goal-setting post-separation, while others, traumatized by the process, need a gentler approach. Meeting clients where they are is key, as imposing a method won’t work.”
Discussions on co-parenting can become heated, so Moran advises clients to pause before responding to contentious messages. “I tell them not to react with anger, as it perpetuates conflict. Take time to ground yourself, perhaps with a cup of tea, before responding.”
Establishing Clear Boundaries
Dr. Wyne points out that divorce doulas “require no specific qualifications or licensing.” While they can assist in complex divorces, unqualified doulas might inadvertently offer legal, therapeutic, or co-parenting advice, potentially causing harm. “The field is unregulated, so the scope of a divorce doula’s role is unclear,” she notes.
However, most doulas set clear boundaries. “I’m not a best friend or crutch,” Jackson says. She allows clients to text her anytime via WhatsApp, responding during their next session.
Many clients come from controlling marriages where ex-husbands dictated their lives. If doulas took over completely, clients wouldn’t learn independence. “It’s like the saying: give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach him to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime,” Jackson shares. “My job is to help clients stand up for themselves and handle confrontation.”
Hussain emphasizes her role aligns with the original concept of a birth doula. She doesn’t share her phone number but allows clients to email anytime. “Within 24 hours, they can schedule a 20-minute call for specific questions. Real change happens when clients engage and do the work.”
Moran acknowledges that boundaries can blur if not careful. “I offer extra support outside sessions because legal processes can be unpredictable. Clients might need immediate advice on financial or child-related matters rather than wait for a session.” She permits messages during work hours but intervenes in emergencies.
“Boundaries are crucial,” she continues. “Without them, you could spend evenings responding to messages, which can spiral out of control. As a coach, you must practice what you preach—setting healthy boundaries.”
Interestingly, Moran says ChatGPT has reduced her workload. “Clients can use AI to draft messages that avoid conflict,” she notes. “Some argue I’m reducing services, but avoiding conflict is beneficial. If clients can use the tools themselves, why not?”
Divorce doulas don’t exclusively serve women; clients seek their help at any divorce stage. Some remain in unhappy marriages, while others, as Moran observes, may struggle to move on years after divorce, still checking an ex’s social media. The hardest part of separation often isn’t the legal end, but the emotional disentanglement that follows.
